Ask the Robinson's

We are a thirty something couple who've been together for 12yrs, have 2 kids and have a fantastic marriage. We started this blog because we don't know any other couple who is as happy and connected as we are and we want to help them and you. People are always telling us their personal woes, and we believe that if you follow our advice regarding your relationship - whether married, single, gay or straight - your relationships with people in general WILL improve.

Why won't he just leave?

My latest rant has to do with a male friend of ours who is separated from his wife. He's been separated for some time now and recently (2 months ago) found a girl friend who is divorced with two kids - actually, she is someone we already knew a little. Lets call them Ken and Barbie. Barbie is highly insecure while thinking she isn't and Ken is very secure himself, or so he thinks. I will say that Ken does, generally, have good judgement and is a solid guy but Barbie - is a mess. Messy divorce, messed up kids - basically, Ken walked into a big mess. His inclinination is to help fix and work on the mess but it is changing his personality to one of aggressiveness. He sees what this relationship is doing to his personality but it's like he is co-dependent or something. Ken has wanted a family (meaning kids) for a very long time and my husband and I feel that this is what keeps him around. While he says that he really cares for Barbie the relationship is only getting worse. He did tell her that she needs to get counselling (per our advice) for herself and she agreed that she needs to yet he isn't making sure that she is following through.

Last night my kids and I went over to "their" place. Yup, he's living with her already - not a good move but let's continue. Anyway, things are going well conversationally with the three adults and then, out of nowhere, Barbie starts picking at Ken. Ken, of course (in his more aggressive state) feeds into her and snaps back. I'm still sitting there watching this back and forth ping pong of bitchiness between them while our kids are in the next room hopefully not hearing anything. So, Barbie gets up, says "it was good to see you again" to me and then walks to the door, grabs her coat and leaves. Ken is pissed by this. I talk Ken down a bit and then he heads outside for a smoke to relieve the tension. He tries calling Barbie to see where she went and when she's coming back. Of course she doesn't answer. Then, Barbie's daughter comes out and asks where her mom is and because Ken is so upset he snaps at her and says, "I don't know, why don't you call her and find out." The daughter picks up the phone and gets Barbie's voicemail as well and looks at me for help. The girl has been through the wringer with her parents and you can tell that she knows that her mom up and left and is now worried about when she'll be home.

Anywho...I hug the girl, tell her that everything will be allright and that her mom just went out to run an errand and would be back soon. I take my kids and we head my kids are wondering why the little girl is upset. Good times!

So, I call Ken later that night telling him to call me. Instead, he texts me and says that Barbie was jealous of our history and he'll call me tomorrow.

Does anyone else see a problem with this? My Husband and I have been friends with Ken for over 7yrs and Barbie knew this going in. Ken has told her that we are his best friends and nothing more. I have told her that Ken is like a brother to me - more than once - yet she still is insecure. We have made it crystal clear that we have a very secure marriage, etc., etc.,

Bottom line: I told Ken that he needs to leave. This is an unhealthy relationship and if after only 2 months this is the kind of stuff that is going on during what is generally the "honeymoon" phase of their relationship then imagine how bad it will be 2 more months from now when the real shit hits the fan and he is so ensconsed in their lives it will be even harder to leave. I know that Ken is lonely and wants a family but really, this is not the right family to join.